Happiness in a four-pack

I Write Like says I wrote this story in David Foster Wallace’s style. It’s included in a free collection Password Incorrect.

A leading world corporation in the field of extremely rapidly degradable products, Hipsi Co. decided to introduce onto the Polish market a new, revolutionary product – ingestible energizing happiness, under the brand name Happi. Expecting a huge marketing success, the company also made a decision to simultaneously release it in all possible variations: as an energy bar, diet chips, effervescent tablets and a carbonated beverage. This last variant, as the main representative product, was to be sold in a four-pack.

Happiness Happi appeared on store shelves accompanied by the largest in history advertising campaign starring numerous Polish and foreign celebrities. For the first time, the TV stations reached the state when commercials were shown 24 hours a day. When changing channels, it as impossible not to stumble upon, for example, a two-minute ad starring the actress Gabriela Starszalowska, who was convincing the viewers that it wasn’t nude film roles, but Happi beverages, that brought her real happiness.

It was a marketing hit. The Hipsi company riding on the wave of success decided to promote a couple of new versions: a magic tongue-coating powder and multi-flavor bullion cube. The general manager of Hipsi was immediately promoted to the position of the CEO for the regions of Central Europe and Afroasia.

After three months the sales fell rapidly – almost reaching zero in the month of M4+.

A series of consumer market studies was conducted. The main conclusion was: customers don’t want to be happy. They are much more effectively motivated by misfortune.

The Hipsi company decided to develop a new product, with a working name O’Sorry’Mio.

At the same time, a small firm from Kolatkowo began selling regionally boxes of chocolates called “That’s Sad” in dark unsweetened chocolate, and “That’s Sad” – economy pack. This was nothing else than unhappiness packaged as multi-flavor chocolates produced locally from natural domestic ingredients.

After two months, the unhappiness from Kolatkowo caught interest of several major hypermarket chains and the chocolates began to be produced under license. Their popularity surpassed the wildest expectations of the company’s owner from Kolatkowo, who in a fit of happiness, threw himself off a bridge.

The sales grew even without any advertising.

Soon the “That’s Sad” chocolates became the most popular birthday, name day and holiday gift in Poland.