Nose number 32

I Write Like says I wrote this story in Cory Doctorow’s style. It’s included in a free collection Password Incorrect.

Jolanta Moczydlowska, a former model in second-and-a-half rate fashion shows, unfulfilled MTV presenter and three times married of convenience fulfilled wife, didn’t like her nose. Sometimes it was too small, and sometimes too big, and sometimes not in the right place. Everything depended on the time of day, mood, and the number of mirrors in her line of sight.

It was an early late morning. In a beautiful villa of her fourth husband, the sun was peeking cheerfully into Jolanta’s bedroom, who whether she liked it or not, had to get up, because one, she didn’t like to sleep with the sun shining on her face (could cause zits), and two, because she had a facial appointment (so there wouldn’t be any zits). She took half an hour (which means an hour and a half) to get up, ate light breakfast and realized that today she wasn’t going to like the shape of her left nostril.

“Another wasted day,” the ex-model said to her reflection in a huge tv screen and switched the channel to a women’s talk-show:

“A new revolutionary, plastic surgery method has been developed, allowing for performing surgeries on one particular body part practically an infinite number of times. What’s more, the time between the procedures can be reduced to just three days, which for busy, modern women is certainly good news.”

The program continued with an interview with Dr la Berg from Switzerland, who opened the first clinic in the world, where this new revolutionary method named after him was being performed.  The method was based on applying onto the wound a synthetically generated alpine calf’s fat tissue and covering the scar with multi-polymeric plasma, which facilitated the healing so rapidly it was noticeable to a naked eye.

Jolanta quickly dialed her husband’s number:

“Love, would you like me to be your Kassandra Lubbock?”

The future Kassandra flew to the La Berg Clinique two days later, but came back after a week, because she also had some minor shopping to do.

“And… what do you think?”

“Oh, my Kassandra,” the Fourth Husband said without paying attention. He was a respected lawyer defending discredited politicians, and as such he was very busy and didn’t normally pay attention to small, insignificant things.

“Not Kassandra, but Damonna, that singer. I changed my mind, and you should notice, you spent 150 thousand dollars on it.”

“Oh yes, that singer.”

To improve her mood, Jolanta flew back to Switzerland for another surgery.

“And now?”

“Wonderful, beautiful! Just don’t ask me, this beauty who has the most gorgeous nose on the planet, you know, that…” the Fourth Husband pretended he was trying to remember the name.

“The princess of Macaonaco!” Jolanta shouted, and for the next three days she felt as wonderful as the princess with the most beautiful nose in the world.

The wonderful feeling ended at a ladies’ gathering at a fitness club, where all her friends talked about the prominent nose (a la Depardieu) of Pawelec’s new wife, and Jolanta’s dainty nose wasn’t even noticed at all.

Again another flight to Switzerland. This time she was much better prepared. In foreign magazines she had read that snub prominent noses (but not as masculine anymore) would be in fashion this season, and that the wife of the president of Rumumbia ordered herself from the La Berg catalog, a nose listed as La Berg Shilouette 14.

“Awesome! You got a nose!” Her friends from Café Cuiudad admired her new acquisition, and Sylvia added: “I want one like that, too.”

They went together, Sylvia to get the La Berg Shilouette 14, and Jolanta to keep her company.

“And, what do you think now?” She asked the Fourth Husband after coming back from the clinic. “It’s a new model, La Berg Paco Rabanne.”

“Exquisite, as always, but could you please do me a favor and slow down for a bit with those nose things, because a new Orshe model just came out.”

This upset Jolanta enough to ask her Third Husband, who still loved her, to pay for a monthly stay at La Berg. And he did, and Jolanta changed noses every two days, because she couldn’t make up her mind. And each time she sent photos to her friends to get their opinion. Many were giving their opinions, and there were so many opinions and suggestions that Jolanta got depressed. In the end, doctor La Berg told her himself that the nose number 32 was the best.

Somewhat recovered emotionally, she came back hoping that her four-week-long effort would be appreciated by someone. The Fourth Husband said nothing of course, until the beautifully shaped nose with a fantastic set of sculpted nostrils, fell off her face and landed on the floor.

“OK, problem solved,” the husband announced, and then added, “if you want to sit in the Orshe for a while, here are the keys.”

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